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Oh let me lay down peacefully
To sleep and never wake
To close my eyes and to forget,
To rest from thinking for a while
Of all that is at stake.

I think of many things now that
Decision time draws near.
Of things that so important seem:
A life, a love, a hope, a dream
The loss of which I fear.

I´m caught, I´m lost, not looking back,
Ahead I can not see.
But though I´m yearning for a rest,
I must go on and do my best,
Still wondering what will be.



Strangely enough, it is our fights that I remember fondly.
Mind agaisnt mind, quick, sharp and careless
And I would match you glare for glare
Until you´d smile and look away, reluctantly
And still not quite defeated.
There were some moments with you, rare enough,
A fleeting second with you near and dear
And closer than my skin without a touch
And smelling good in such a way
That made it hard for me to keep my hands off you.

But sometimes, in that narrow bed of yours
(Where I could never catch a wink of sleep)
I thought I saw a huge sign hanging over us,
Which said, of all things, "Until Further Notice".
I never mentioned it, because I thought
I recognized your handwriting.
That is, until I traced the words with my own hand
And made them real.
I had my reasons. So had you.
And I, naively, asked if we could just stay friends.

Some time ago I did invite you to a little gathering
Where you indeed turned up, so very cordial and cheerful,
And we all laughed and talked and got along just fine.
You were a picture of diplomacy.
And you left early, lest you miss your train,
And I remained until the wee hours of the morning
And I got roaring drunk with my best friends-
Lest I miss you? No way in Hell.
Yeah, right. Then tell me why I couldn´t meet your eyes that night.
Not once.



The seconds crawl by in a static drone
And I can hardly see the words before my eyes.
I´m crouching in the basement all alone
Buried by piles of work. That´s no surprise.

I always push these things away from me
And hope they´ll die and I´ll be rid of them.
Instead they prosper, just like any pest
Until I finally attack them once again.

This night is different. I can hear the call
Of all the starlit world just out of reach.
I feel it singing in my blood, in spite of all
The earnest lessons that I have myself to teach.

Resting my head against the cool back of my hand
I look up at a tiny patch of sky.
It´s turning bright with dawn, a narrow band
That mockingly reminds me: Time does fly.


Today, there was a thunderstorm
And the air was cleansed of all that leaden chill.
The world shook beneath the rolling sky
Awakening those who were still hibernating,
Embracing one another in the warmth of darkness.
I woke up long ago, and far too early
From that dream I will remember all my life.
Tears spill the sleepiness out of my eyes
And I run outside, laughing,
To dance barefeet in the rain.
I´m not a bit afraid I might be struck by lightning.
Because I know for sure that it will happen.



Do you know how strange it is to watch you from afar?
All of you there, the familiar circle of faces,
Closing me out. How did this happen?
Don´t you remember our once-upon-a-time?
I called out, and you answered,
I was falling, and you caught me,
I was yearning for freedom
And you taught me how to fly.
There was a promise given.
Dreams we shared of the life we would live.
What strange feeling was this, it made me wonder
And I don´t know to this day, but hold it sacred.
What made me think you did the same?
Back on familiar ground now.
Except for the soul-splitting scream building up inside me
Which wouldn´t take no for an answer.
Once upon a time, it was us against the world.
When did it turn into you against me?
I can´t even say you cast me out.
You didn´t even bother.
So I am here, alone, hiding from you,
knowing you would never look for me
and wondering...
What if I went missing altogether?
What if I just turned the tables on you?
What if this little space could hold me no more
And dark trickles of my life seeped out under the door?
Wondering who of you would find me in the end.
How soon would you claim you had seen that coming?
When would you write me off as a lost cause?
Just in case you have not done so already.
I don´t mind being lost, but I would like-
Only once in a while- to be found.



But sometimes, reading by a single candle´s light,
I feel a changing in the air around me.
All of a sudden, just behind my back
Reality goes haywire, shifting, twisting
Splitting right apart in such a way
That sends a shiver down my spine.
Before I get a chance to act I know
With absolute security that the construct
Of time and space has gone to splinters.
All that is left is bottomless abyss
Whose depths are shimmering with unknown stars.
My body needs eternity to turn around,
So it is over long before I get a glimpse.
Whenever I remember it and know
That just one look would drive me to insanity,
I´m glad about this. Yet I´m sure
That I would throw myself in without hesitation,
Just to find out if there was anyone to catch me.



I had the strangest of strange dreams last night.
As I was walking through the forest in the twilight
among familiar smells and sounds and touches
there suddenly was something disquieting, a something
that made me shudder.

Rough voices ripping through the dusk behind me,
no telling who or what or just how many,
although I recognized them.
They were out for me.

I hardly knew why, just that there was something in me-
which even I found alien, painful as I felt it writhing
below the too-thin surface of my skin.

It was a stirring at the bottom of my mind,
a whisper running through my veins,
an unfamiliar rhythm to my heartbeat.

Not mine, but calling me.
Not mine, but claiming me.

And they were hunting me for it.

I realized that I was running only
when I was out of breath, and so
I stopped and threw myself down on the ground.
I heard them crushing through the underbrush nearby.

That moment, I'd have liked to let it out-
that part of me that was not quite a part of me-
It would have dealt with them.
It would have left me and left me in peace.
Only I would not let it.

I was too curious, and somewhere on the way
I had made up my mind that I just had to know
what would become of this when these two parts of me were ready.
So I sank down among the drifts of leaves and living earth
and in the other world awoke like from deep water.
I was reluctant to, for in that moment
the far side of the night seemed much more real.



You can't remember everything we've done, you said.
I can not blame you. Why should you recall
these days of gambling, moments lost and won.

I guess I was surprised because
I only did that for the sake of memory.
Our hopes are but our memories reversed,
but in the end they're all that will remain.

And I had hoped to leave
upon the pages of your life an inky stain
to go with all the ink I used to waste on you.

At least I got some stories out of it
that I will always treasure, and I ask you: was that not
the whole endavour to begin with?

The very day we met I saw you leave.

But now you're back and asking me these questions
all over and again, and to be honest-
I do not really feel like answering.

It's your own fault if you forget. I'm gone.



This place, on the knife's edge
Between hope and despair-
When did it turn into home?

This writhing, churning, fluttering,
Like a stellar fog in my stomach-
Does it mean the birth of a sun
Or of a back hole?

Only time will tell.
Time is not on my side.
Will the seconds turn traitor to decades
Just to consort with the enemy?

What would I not give
For a moment's pause
In this free-fall into the future,
So I could remember how to fly.


by nayela ~ Dancing with the Undead
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